Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Lo! The Flat Hills of my Homeland

I am about to admit something that may cause you to think less of me. In fact, it may cause you to question my humanity, nay, the very existence of the universe you thought you knew. It might cause the rending of garments or a tear in the space-time continuum, through which all rational thought will leak, causing you to retreat, muttering, to a tiny corner somewhere and spend the rest of your days rocking back and forth, whimpering, "Why?"

Ready?

I hate coffee.

I think it smells great. I like coffee ice cream, which is essentially a big cappuccino with lots of sugar, frozen. I am willing to concede Tim Horton's Ice Capps, which are not so much coffee as experiments in sugar (did you know that, aside from teh more standard variations like replacing the milk with half and half, or chocolate milk, you can now get Chocolate Brownie Ice Capps? They're not even pretending to be healthy anymore).

But coffee, regular drinking coffee that farts its way out of a filter in the early morning? The kind that people order from Starbucks if they're feeling pretentious and their neighbourhood independent coffeeshop if they're feeling even more pretentious? I hate it.

It tastes awful. It tastes like a small rodent crawled into your mouth and died after suffering a random bout of some intestinal disease. It's a diuretic and doesn't do such great things for your breath.

But the one thing it does do, is wake you up when you had to get up and get ready fro work at 7:30am. I have a very good friend who has to be AT WORK at 7am, and I commend her utterly, since just waking up then left me sagging and lifeless. I drank enough coffee today to make me feel sick and spacey. I actually zoned out an awful lot today, my first day on the job. It felt kind of like being on disassociative drugs, like ketamine or something. Not that I would know.

Also, it's been NINE YEARS since I spent more than a long weekend in Canada in the winter. I am most heartily glad for global; warming and the fact that it hasn't been that cold for more than a couple of days in a row. I mean, it's still lifeless and grey and morose and raining, but at least it's not minus thirty the way it is in Fredericton. But it'll probably be 25 tomorrow. And then California will fall into the ocean.

2 comments:

MaggieMayDay said...

More coffee for me then. I can tell you never were a sailor. You ought to try a cup o' joe with the faintest trace of jet fuel in it. Then you'd really, really hate coffee.

Purple Rose Tearoom said...

I hate coffee--even the smell of it. That's why I own a tearoom.