Monday, August 17, 2009

The Personals Critic Edition

I started reading Datewrecks some time ago, which led me to the mysterious Vermont craigslist postings of the Personals Critic. Since I'm not going anywhere except San Diego anytime soon (hi, Jack and Charity!), I thought I would travel in my mind instead, and do a little impromptu Personals Critic-ing of my own. Craigslist has provided me with hours of mindless fun (usually while working at the library), so it's only natural that I red-pen a little, giving back to the Craigslist community.

Starting with:

Tired of dumb women - 24 (Long Beach)

This is an important point when you look at his very first sentence, which is:

Looking for a coo black girl that's smart but also likes to party.

"Coo"? Can I go on record as saying that I really hate people who try to spell in dialect? I hated Irvine Walsh, too.

Can't be into this weird new way of dressing.

This is SO INTRIGUING. What weird new way of dressing? Wearing your pants hanging down around your kneecaps? Wearing socks on your ears?

Must have a pretty face and a fat ass

Only if Baby Got Back should you be looking for this playa. And make sure that your bee-hind is covered with some good ol' fashioned pants instead of this weird new way of dressing, where you swath yourself with cuttlefish.

Next up (this one is too long to reproduce in entirety, so it will be only highlights):

Seeking a white woman - 39 (Glendora)

You know, Khafif plays a song called Makedonsko Devojce, which translates as Macedonian Woman, and has a line in it about how nowhere in the whole wide world will you find anyone as beautiful as a Macedonian woman. Except it literally translates as "whole WHITE world." Everyone is racist!

Hello, I am Mexican American decent born and raised here is So Cal.I stand about 5'8 Ht and have a Teddy Bear Husky build

Well, it's good he's a Mexican American "decent", because I'd HATE a Mexican American IN-decent. And I can't help but wonder what Teddy Bear Husky is; it makes me think of that creepy talking doll, Teddy Ruxpin. Remember that? It rolled its eyes. Really, if you want a talking doll, you should get a Butthole Bear from my friend Boris (PS That link is the cutest video of Justin I have ever seen).

As far as my personnel interests, I am a "Huge" sports guy.

"Thank you for coming to the interview today, Mr. Green. Our personnel department has several interests: whether or not you can effectively use Excel, what your availability is, and sports. "Huge" sports."

What I am seeking in a real woman?? good question so I will do my best to answer it for you.I want someone who is "REAL" not a game player.Someone who is looking for a long term committed ..I "DO NOT PLAY GAMES!!!!! and I want someone who will appreciate me for who I am and I will do the same and more.If you like what you hear get back to me.I hope to hear from you soon, and thanks for taking time to read my add.Please no "LIERS or people that are "FAKE or FLAKES".I want someone who is "REAL" and knows the true meaning of the word.

You know how when you use a word over and over it doesn't sound like a real (oops) word anymore? So how can you figure out what the true meaning of the word is when you've forgotten what it's supposed to mean? And he clearly doesn't actually want someone real, because he keeps putting it in quotation marks. So he wants someone "real", aka fake.

Freckles are attractive but love women who are girly girl and polish there "Toes" (big plus)

In the first place, are these things related? I mean why does liking freckles garner a BUT for girly girls? I mean, it's sort of like saying "Coffee is good but love bicycle racing." Also, since it's clear he doesn't actually mean TOES, what do you think he might mean instead? What else could you polish, that you might refer to as toes, if you were feeling silly? Doorknobs? Skin tags? "Can you come out with us tonight, Irwin?" "No, I have to stay home and "polish my toes", if you know what I mean."

And finally, captured in its entirety, Captain Pretention:

Older Women Are So Alluring and Enticing - m4w - 27 (Sherman Oaks)

It is mysterious, the attraction we feel for that certain age group that is different from ours. For some, it is for someone older; for others, younger is the attraction. You find 20-something men sexy in the same way that I find 40-something women inherently enticing. Why is that? What is it about that age differential - for you, the man who is a decade (give or take) younger than you; for me, the woman who is a decade (give or take) older than I - that fuels our respective attractions? I have no idea! Nor do I care, I simply enjoy it for what it is :)

I am dark haired, light brown eyes and attractive. I am not attached. You are not seeking a husband and I am not seeking a wife. We are both seeking lovers. Fun lovers.

Where to begin? With the pseudo-philosophical expressions he uses? "It is mysterious"? "That certain age group that is different from ours"? Did you write the Celestine Prophecies? He sounds like a guy I used to know in high school, who, under his graduating yearbook photo, wrote that his nickname was Shadow, which it wasn't, because he was always walking alone at night. It's so "I've just finished reading bad poetry."

And who says "inherently enticing"?

Finally, "we are both seeking lovers. Fun lovers." I can't tell if he's restating the noun and clarifying it, or if he's making it a whole new noun, like "funlovers", as in "people who like to have fun". So does he wants someone to bone him, who is fun, or someone who just likes to have fun? And is enticingly older than he is?

And how does he know what I'm seeking?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

love it! you've got an eye for it...

get some drops. it'll clear right up. ;)