Friday, December 26, 2008

And a ho, ho, ho

This year, I hoped to start a new Christmas tradition based on a
reading I performed on Christmas Eve.  I found a tract on the
bathroom floor several months ago, a tiny elderly looking thing
entitled "The Christmas Spirit" and published by the Berean Baptist
Ministries in North Carolina.

Since the Christmas spirit is probably still strong in all of us, I
would like to share some uplifting passages from this tract so that you
too can discuss them with your families, learn, and grow.

The tract starts out happily enough:
Soon expressions will be frequently heard, such as -- "Christmas is in the air," "He really has the Christmas spirit," "Merry Christmas," etc.

At this time of year there is a change that takes place in this world. There is a definite difference in the world and its thoughts now compared to the rest of the year. The Christmas spirit prevails in the world around this time of the year.
This sounds nice enough.  I mean, clearly this is a good thing.  I conjure up images of happy, smiling neighbours shaking hands and straightening each other's wreaths, singing carols and tipping waiters, and generally being kinder to their fellow men.  I mean, good tidings to all, right?  Christmas is about joy and sharing and generosity; what can be so bad about that?
The Christmas spirit requires that on December 25 a Christmas tree be involved in this Christmas religion. So everyone has to get a tree. They are cooperating with the Christmas spirit and rebelling against the Holy Spirit...The world co-operates with the Christmas spirit because it is in harmony with their depraved nature.
Hmm.  So it's really the Christmas TREE that's the problem here.  Because it's stolen from a grand old pagan tradition, and technically is all about Solstice, and the rebirth of light, and the bringing of nature into the home.  Well, that's not really the CHRISTMAS spirit, I guess.  It makes sense that you might object to that part, although calling all those little kids "depraved" when they drag their dads by the hand to choose between balsams and firs seems a little harsh, but...you don't learn without lessons.
It is a spirit of Christmas parties and drunks -- They say they are celebrating the birthday of Jesus so the beer joints and whiskey stores do a booming business. There will be more liquor sold just prior to December 25 than at any other time of the year. the celebrators will be staggering, stumbling, vomiting, driving drunk, wrecking cars, wrecking lives, etc.

Many who wouldn't touch a drop of alcohol all year long will drink their egg nog with whiskey in it.
Whoa!  That cavalier mention of wrecking cars and wrecking lives, that quick tonal alliteration and focus on the destruction that can be wrought by Christmastime makes one think indeed!  HERE is a difficult message.  Boozehounds who, over the rest of the year, reject and neglect their fiery and demonic nature calling to them from the neck of a bottle, at Christmas can no longer resist and succumb to their baser natures.  They are forced to, coerced into it by EGGNOG.  Eggnog is certainly Satanic in nature (did you know in French it literally translates as "Milk of the Chicken"?), but I admit, I'd never considered its effects on the downtrodden of the world.

I also like that staggering and stumbling are two equally bad things.  How about lurching?  How do you feel about collapsing?

After the direct attack on dirty lushes, it gets a little weird:
Satan is successfully promoting his mother-child religion through the Christ-Mass observance. He must gloat as Baptist churches sing -- "Round yon virgin, mother and child."
Because God knows (and He *does* know), "Silent Night" is a tool of Satan.  I certainly feel that way after its hundred and seventh repetition at the shopping mall.  I mean, there's only so many ways you can jazz up an instrumental version of "Silent Night" or "Jingle Bells" before slaughter becomes the most viable option.
Before December arrives in Palestine the shepherds do not abide in the fields at night. The weather is too cold. Even the winos and bums who sleep in back alleys and park benches can't stay outside when it gets cold. They have to go into rescue missions. The shepherds did not abide in the fields with their flocks on December 25.
Good point.  Forget about that whole "different climate" thing, and about how it never really gets that cold in Palestine, although it is the desert, so it probably gets chilly at night from the lack of itinerant moisture in the air.

But what about Santa?  I mean, surely there can't be anything wrong with that jolly old elf, right?
Santa Claus is a lie. Look at him -- He has long hair and a whiskey red face. He is too fat and too jolly. He is artificial from start to finish.
Oh.  Oops.  My bad.

But what else is wrong with Santa?  I mean, surely there can't be-
He is accredited with omnipresence. It is said that he takes gifts and presents to children all over the world on the night of December 24. That is a lie. Only God can be everywhere at one time. God alone is omnipresent. If there was a Santa Claus he couldn't make his way to 100 houses in one night. He couldn't haul enough toys for 100 children. He couldn't eat the cake and such that is put out for him in ten houses. What a big lie this is.
Ouch.  Now that is some irrefutable logic.  I mean, it certainly couldn't be MAGIC, like the way an angel appeared to Mary ("came on her," more accurately, and hilariously).  And how nice of the tract's author to be concerned about Santa's waistline; I know with the dawn of the Atkins diet, more children should be encouraged to leave Santa some nice meat popsicles instead of all those carbs.

But there can't be anything wrong with letting kids have a little magic in their lives.  I mean, kids like magic.  They like surprises and things they don't understand completely.
The children are not a bunch of dummies.They wonder how he could go all over the world in one night, and the parents lie for him to cover up his lie. That is the way lying is.
So, wait.  Who's lying?  The parents, to cover up for Santa?  I thought Santa HIMSELF was a lie?  how can you lie FOR a lie?  This is making no logical sense!
There are a lot of lies connected with Santa Claus. Flying reindeer are about like rabbits laying Easter eggs.
Fortunately, this last statement exhausts my logic quota for the next century.  I mean, who can argue with THAT?  It's proof positive: NO, Virginia.  There IS NO Santa Claus.  If there was, reindeer would be able to fly, and then your daddy would have been knocked off the roof and covered with reindeer poop instead of falling off on his own, because he had too much whiskey-laden egg nog.  And what was he doing up there, in the first place?  He told you he was putting up Christmas lights, but actually he was SACRIFICING VIRGINS TO BAAL.  And I bet he didn't even leave any out for Santa.

So what should we do about Christmas, then?
The Christmas spirit is a spirit of hypocrisy. The Christmas spirit is a spirit of error. We are to have no part in that Christmas spirit but we are to follow, obey and listen to the Spirit of truth.
Okay.  So...we're supposed to stone our neighbors to death, beat our slave girls, tithe one-tenth of our belongings to the church, and give up dancing, singing, and playing cards?  Sounds like...fun.  I think I'd rather have some Christmas spirit.  Or Christmas SPIRITS.  Pass the whiskey.

God bless us, every one.

4 comments:

erskine said...

This is yet more proof that you can't be a satanist without being a christian...

MaggieMayDay said...

Another round of eggnog under the tree, please.

erin said...

Ah yes, the traditional Christmas vomit. Personally I find it has more to do with the eggnog than the rum, though.

erin said...

In the true spirit of the season, I give you Drunken Nativity.